Head, Shoulders, Knees, and . . . Plumber Crack?!

I was the victim of a drive-by cracking today.  I survived, but did not escape unscathed.  The image of "the crack" is burned in my brain like a vile brand.  The worst part of it all was that it was at the office!

My grandma would have gasped in horror had she had the misfortune of seeing what I saw.  In her day, the greatest threats were a little thigh or decolletage, but nowadays, casual workplace attire brings with it a whole new host of fashion mishaps and wardrobe malfunctions.  So professional ladies, I offer you a guide to dress by:

Hey!  My eyes are up here! 
When it comes to cleavage, less really is more.  For those well-endowed ladies, remember that YOU'RE the one working, not "the twins".  For the bee-bite ladies, this does not mean that you have a "get out of jail free card" - keep it classy.  (Gasp!  Shock!  Yes, I really went there.)

Drumstick or Thigh?
Thank goodness for the skirt, especially on those hot summer days, but make sure your skirt isn't as hot as the asphalt.  Grandma's tip: sit down and place your hand perpendicularly across your thigh with the pinkie side touching the top of your knee (not the cap).  If your thumb and skirt are touching, you're good to go.  If they're in different time zones, save the skirt for after hours.  Anything in between, proceed with caution.

Too Tight's Just Not Right
I know it's tough admitting those extra holiday pounds have actually made it to the next new year, but sometimes you have to swallow your pride and go up a size.  Your shirt shouldn't be so tight that your coworkers can see what you ate for lunch.  Not sure?  Here's a quick test: go home and undress.  If you can see the memory of the seams, buttons, or worse yet FABRIC of the clothes you were wearing, you need to let go.

Rear-View
If you feel a breeze, there's a problem.  There is no socially acceptable scenario for the caboose to make an appearance.  (If the skin is hidden by undies, it's still a problem.)  If you're one of the lucky ones, like me, who enjoy the privilege of wearing jeans every day to work, pair a long top with the low riders and keep an eye on posture.

Bottom line (pardon the pun), when in doubt . . . DON'T!